| Fast Forward |
[23 Aug 2009|05:18pm] |
I'll do this again - however, friends only for now.
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| To the old and new |
[23 Sep 2008|08:33am] |
It's been a long time. I can't really honestly say that the words I right are accurate and true, not out of a need to lie, but out of confusion. A lot has happened, and I don't know how honest I am anymore.
Life rules, however. From work with the kids, to hanging with my friends, to the gym and my incessant thought loops in my head, it's all good. What more can you really ask for? There's no such thing as perfection.
There's such thing as a life without anxiety, though, which is one thing I need to find out how to do, fast.
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[03 May 2008|11:37pm] |
Ha.
It's just never enough, is it?
I'm so dissapointed right now.
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[23 Apr 2008|11:50pm] |
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And it all goes wrong again
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| State of the Union |
[19 Apr 2008|09:25pm] |
How could I have reached a time in my life where all I can complain about is that she’s not home enough? I feel pathetic when that’s the only thing that affects my emotions anymore. I suppose I haven’t fixed myself as much as I had thought. Have I lost the independence I so revered earlier? I love my job. I love my friends… but when she’s gone, I’m just a little sadder than usual.
I don’t write anymore. I don’t even go online much anymore. I don’t know if it’s because of satisfaction or not. I don’t even feel restless anymore. I can honestly say that I can feel myself growing up, and the way this world is working is maybe not so far off from what I imagined all those years ago. Maybe I'm more sheltered then I thought; maybe I've just seen other sides of life and refuse to get any closer. I'm comfortable right now and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I know in the end, it doesn’t matter. My life is going to work out the way it does, and I know that. I fully believe in a God up there watching over me, guiding me in ways. Such a far cry from high school, but I don’t mind. I can handle change if there’s a good reason; and what else could have caused this situation I’m in now?
Anyways, I just wanted to write again. I may not be able to motivate myself enough to write another short story, or a novel, but I can write about how I feel. If I can’t do that, then what’s even the point?
I really hope this isn’t a dream.
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[16 Apr 2008|12:14pm] |
188.
Bitches.
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| Life. |
[14 Apr 2008|10:02am] |
I haven't posted here forever. I don't even know if anyone reads this.
Life is amazing.
--Bryson
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[20 Jan 2008|07:31pm] |
All directions provided the same landscape – green grass and a mountainous backdrop, with tall, thin trees placed sparsely throughout the meadow. The tranquility was in its simplicity, its utter perfection in the beautiful design. He didn’t know what to make of it at all; the sort of confusion and frustration he had encountered for as long as he could remember was still present, regardless of the sheer innocence the environment possessed. Shaking his head, he proceeded to scrutinize the grass directly in front of him. It almost shimmered in the sunlight as he plucked a blade from the soil, turning it side to side and focusing on it as if he had never before seen it. Small droplets of water slipped down the rough exterior, falling softly upon his worn out shoes, rearranging the thin layer of dust that was covering them.
Venturing further, he was surprised to find a small stone at the base of one of the trees. Kneeling down, he took the stone in his hand, marveling at the surprising weight of the palm-sized object. Curious, he flipped it over, discovering a small but noticeable engraving on the back of it. “Superbia”, it read. He had a strange urge to hold on to the stone, and he placed it into his pocket, feeling the hefty weight of the stone settle.
Heading over to the next tree, he found another identically sized stone. As he lifted it from the ground, he noticed how light this one was, even though it was exactly the same shape as the one in his pocket. “Invidia” was the inscription on the back. Again, he placed this stone into his pocket, noticing that it added virtually no weight to his pocket.
He continued to walk from tree to tree, first picking up the small stone in front of each tree, then reading the inscription, and finally placing it into his pocket. Some were extremely heavy, while others seemed to have virtually no weight whatsoever, yet all identical in size. As he removed all the stones and ventured further into the seemingly endless array of trees and meadow, he noticed himself suddenly grow very weak. Falling to the ground, he struggled to turn his head and saw yet another perfectly shaped rock directly in front of him. Quickly trying to figure out a way to get the rock, he decided to drop one of the heaviest stones he had in his possession – the one bearing the inscription “probitas”. He was surprised to find that his load had only become heavier. Stunned, he took out another heavy stone, this one with the word “amor” written on it, and threw it to the ground. However, every time he discarded a heavy stone, he felt his energy falter more and more. Sooner or later, he felt no weight in his pockets, and he had no strength in his body.
Hopelessly, he decided to take out all of the stones. “Avaritia” went first, followed by “gula” and “luxuria”. With every one of these stones, he felt lighter and more refreshed. Eventually, he was able to stand up again. Infuriated, he took off, away from the stones, until he felt far enough away to gather his thoughts and ideas. Years went by as he wandered the meadows. He tried many things – the mountains seemed as far away as he started no matter how long he ran towards them, while the trees were unclimbable, and the grass made it impossible to dig.
Years passed until he decided to revisit the stones once more. After intense trial and error, he decided to try one last thing. Ignoring the stones that were as light as a feather, he instead chose all of the heavy ones. After each stone, he felt extremely weighed down – however, he had all the energy he needed. Struggling, he continued to seek out and keep each and every stone that weighed him down.
Eventually, he found himself at the base of the tallest of the previously unreachable mountains. Determined, he began to scale its rough terrain. Freezing temperatures, sharp boulders, and heavy rain was no match for him. Months it took him; huddling in makeshift caves and barely surviving by smoky fires. He slowly made his way up to the summit, battered and broken. At the top, he saw a single tree, identical to the ones far down in the meadow, except for its age. It was a very mature tree, weathered, but still standing strong. A few single leaves were left on its scattered branches, slowly falling off as the inevitable passing of time came.
Like the others, a single stone laid perfectly at the base of the tree. As he walked towards it, he again felt a sense of energy leaving his body. Struggling, he pushed on. As his body began failing, he felt the weight slowly lift from the stones in his pockets. As he made it to the stone, he knew he was slipping away. Dedication never left his strong soul – as he crumpled to the ground, he reached out for the stone and grasped it firmly. He forced his head up and used all of his remaining strength to nudge the stone enough to flip it over. As the feeling left his body, he began to read the inscription on the back. As he tried to read the words, he was able to feel the weight of the stones no longer, and a quick burst of strength came to him. He grabbed the stone and brought it closer to be able to make out the weathered words on the back of it.
“Pax pacis”
As the heart monitors slowly stopped registering a beat, the doctors turned to the man’s family and said “he’s gone.” Weeping, the man’s wife slowly walked out of the door to be alone and collect her thoughts. She had no idea that it would be so difficult to watch her husband slip away after his decade long battle with cancer. He had been in a coma for the last six months or so, giving her time to accept the eventual and to slowly say goodbye.
The woman’s three children hesitantly walked out to find their mother and try to console her.
“It’s alright Mother.” The oldest son said. “At last, Dad has found his peace.”
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| Goons (haha) (didnt write this) |
[13 Jan 2008|11:28pm] |
Imagine a goon. He is nineteen to twenty five, and lives alone in a cheap apartment, going nightly to a tech support job he hates. There, he answers the most basic questions, regarding each and every human interaction with contempt and loathing. He’s paid just enough to support his pleasures and his necessities, never saving nor investing his money. His pleasures are the most banal reductions of culture imaginable, substituting art and literature for pretentious pop culture, unwilling to strike a balance between the two. His necessities are gross over processed food stuffs, and the cheapest, tackiest of clothing and furnishings.
The goon values his own comfort over the basic ideas of hygiene or manners. Although too meek to ever act upon it, he views every person other than himself with a sociopathic disdain. Other races are inferior (though he never states this directly), and women are weak minded objects of sex (and he states this often). Under the cloak of ‘informed libertarianism’ the goon justifies his own smug self satisfaction and greedy self interest.
The goon doesn’t care about his body, and allows it to grow skeletal or obese (more commonly the latter). He bathes only when a misinformed idea of society suggests that he should, and seems to take pride in his disdain for the niceties of washing one’s self.
Most importantly the goon is never wrong. His job isn’t an indictment of his laziness, rather it’s proof that society simply doesn’t understand him. His interests aren’t limited, rather other’s interests are ridiculous. His politics aren’t poorly constructed, rather others can’t see the obvious truth. He isn’t fat, unfashionable, or awkward, others are merely overstuffed pretty boys and jocks. He can’t get a girl because he has nothing to offer a mate, rather, women are vacuous holes, solely valuable for the warming of the penis.
But also, the goon is always wrong. When not patting himself on the back, the goon is clawing at his very essence, beating his breast, proclaiming what a failure he is. This vacillation between pride and self loathing never meets a middle ground that one would associate with a normal person.
There are variations of this, but above is the picture of the goon.
True, this caricature does exist, but how frequently? Isn’t it rational to assume that the people who post on this forum cover a wide range of personalities? Look at yourself, and ask, are you a goon? If the answer is no, then it goes to proving my point. If the answer is yes, then I advise that you take a hard look at your life.
So this poses the question: why would a forum make such a vile effigy of itself? There’s a lot of basis in fact, but the treatment of these facts is what’s startling. Instead of casting the ‘goon’ as the outsider, it seems that a lot of forumers tend to think of the goon as the common poster. Everyone is a goon but me. Anyone who disagrees with me is a goon.
The answer to this question is that the goon serves as a balance between the real and the virtual. The temptation exists to put way more importance on a virtual world than on the real world, and this temptation is shown in the behavior of the goon. He lives in a fantasy that corresponds with his limited world experience, and the forums are the ultimate place to indulge that fantasy. He can be whatever he wants to in a virtual environment without having to acknowledge the cold reality of his appearance, vocation, or loneliness.
In the creation of this contemptible creature, we are setting limits for ourselves. The value of the goon lies in its ability to put the virtual in proper perspective to the real. We attend to our career, social life, and body in favor of sinking into fantasy, because we have this monster lying at the heart of ourselves. The goon isn’t so much a carrot on a stick, as it is a whip on the back, forcing us to keep moving, and denying stagnation.
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| Life Experiences |
[26 Jun 2007|07:23pm] |
This is really for my own amusement. Oh well!
Level 1
( ) I have had an asthma attack
() Smoked A Cigarette
(x) Smoked A Cigar
(x) Smoked Weed
() Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x) Drank Alcohol
(x) Been In Love or still in love
(x) Been Dumped
(x) Been Fired
( ) Been In A Fist Fight
(x) Snuck Out Of A Parent's House
total so far: 7
Level 2
( ) Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn't Have Them Back
( ) Been Arrested/Seen Someone You Know Get Arrested
( ) Made Out With A Stranger
( ) Gone Out On A Blind Date
( ) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x) Skipped School
( ) Slept With A Co-worker/ team mate
(x) Seen Someone / Something Die
total so far: 9
Level 3
(x) Been On A Plane
(x) Thrown Up From Drinking
(x) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been Snowboarding/Skiing
(x) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Myspace
(x) Been Mosh Pitting
(x) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Love(d) or Lust Someone Who You Can't Have
(x) Been in a BAD relationship
total so far: 16
Level 4
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel
( ) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone Puddle Jumping
( ) Played Dress Up
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x) Gone Sledding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
total so far: 24
Level 5
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School
( ) Used A Fake / Someone Else's ID
(x) Watched The sun set/ sun rise
(x) Felt An Earthquake
( ) Kissed A Snake
(x) Been Tickled
( ) Been Robbed / Vandalized
( )Robbed Someone
(x) Been Misunderstood...
total so far: 29
Level 6
( ) Pet A Deer
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended
(x) Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car/ Motorcycle Accident(four wheeler)
(x)Had / Have Braces
() Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Had deja vu
(x) Danced in the moonlight
(x) Hated The Way You Look
total so far: 35
Level 7
( x) Questioned Your Heart
( ) Been obsessed with post-it-notes
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
total: 41
Level 8
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
() Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(x) Kissed In The Rain
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Been Kissed Under A Mistletoe
total: 49
Level 9
(x) Watched The Sun Set With Someone You Care / Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
( ) Made A Bonfire On The Beach
( ) Crashed A Party
( ) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey-
() Worn Pearls
(x)Jumped Off A Bridge
total: 54
Level 10
() Screamed "Penis" In Class
( ) Swam With Dolphins
() Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/ Freezer/Ice Cube
() Kissed A Fish
() Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(x) Sat On A Roof Top
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
( ) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed Up All Night
total: 58
Level 11
(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x) Had / Been In A Tree House
( ) Have been/Are scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone
() Seen/heard a Ghost
() Have/had More Than 30 Pairs Of Shoes or Flip Flops
() gone streaking
( ) Been to/Visited Someone At Jail
(x) Played Chicken
( ) Been Pushed Into A Pool With All Your Clothes On
total: 62
Level 12
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
() broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused
(x) Caught A Fish
(x) Caught A Butterfly
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed
() Mooned / Flashed Someone
(x) Had someone Moon / Flash You
total: 69
Level 13
(x) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
()French braided someones hair
() Been Kicked Out Of Your House
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
()Went Scuba-Diving / Snorkeling
(x) Had A Cavity
Total: 73
Level 14
(x)Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
( ) Licked A Cat
() Bitten Someone
() Licked Someone
() Been shot at with a gun
( ) Had sex in or next to a field/garden/lake/ocean/park
( ) Flattened someone’s tires-
(x) Drove in a car until the gas light came on
(x) Had five dollars or less and bought something
Total: 77
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| It begins. |
[30 Apr 2007|02:02pm] |
I'm tired of being scared of being hurt. I don't know what exactly do to to fix it, I have only one idea but that would just end up hurting me more.
Not that it won't happen eventually.
I'm in the process of the talks. Damnit.
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| It's been a long time. |
[27 Apr 2007|12:26pm] |
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Usually I use this for some sort of therapy, as it was always easier to write and express myself then in any other ways. Lately I've tried to talk to people directly, either in person or online, in hopes of perhaps engaging them in conversation in ways other then "emotional appeal" that I seem to focus on in my writings. I feel like if I can really get to just one person, I'll have done a good job in this life, but I continue to forget that there are people in my life that have that deep care about me regardless of my efforts to create it - my family. To accept the fact that I'm loved and cared about unconditionally is a hard thing to do, and it completely counteracts my self worth issues.
Yesterday was different for a number of reasons, but it really did bring to light the overbearing stress I've been under for as long as I can remember. I don't know how to get rid of it, but I'm suddenly much more conscious of it. I just really am confused as to what in my life is best for me, and what I should follow/let go.
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| Stolen From Beth |
[07 Mar 2007|03:35pm] |
Comment, and I'll...
1. Tell you why I friended you
2. Associate you with a song/movie
3. Tell a random fact about you (but they may not be true)
4. Tell a first memory about you
5. Associate you with a character/pairing.
6. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you
7. Show you my favourite userpic of yours
8. In return, you MUST spread this disease in your LJ.
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| This world is bigger then me. |
[05 Mar 2007|11:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 enthralled |
] |
It seems as though I have lost everything that I once had, yet gained so much in the time given to me. I don't always know what the best course of action is, and I don't understand all the quirks about this life, but I swear I do my best. I pray to God every single night without fail, asking for his forgiveness in the things I have done wrong and will do wrong, but that doesn't give me leeway in doing the wrong things. I sit here tonight realizing that the feelings I've had in the past few weeks are easily able to be fixed by me, but I keep waiting for things to fall into my lap. That's wrong. There's no shame in the life I've led, for it has shown me so many various things that I could never of expected from this life. The people, the events, the life. I'm a happy person that's just opening up my eyes into this new world. I have the information and qualities at my disposal to really find something in this life. I just have to do it. What happens if I don't?
I may lose everything that I have worked so hard to hold onto.
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| Addressing Society... |
[25 Jan 2007|12:27am] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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There's this thing I like to call adulthood. I don't pretend I have reached it, but I also don't believe 90% of people have, or ever do. Maybe it's wrong to call it adulthood, for that term is widely used to label anyone over the age of 18; I'll call it simply being honest. Honesty may be construed as something else entirely differently then what I'm about to call it; I believe that anyone can be honest, even the biggest liar in the world. No one knows how another's brain works, how they think, how they decide and live. A liar may not be able to tell the truth no matter what; but telling the truth isn't being honest. Being honest is accepting that you are not perfect, that you have much to learn and that you are alive and evolving just like everyone else. Being honest is telling yourself the truth of your life, of your strengths and weaknesses, of your dreams and nightmares, of your whole being.
There are a lot of people out there that I can see will never reach "being honest." Some of them are very smart; some of them are wise. Others are very successful, while others are able to generally get what they want in life. You can be going to college at a prestigious school, learning about being an architect and going on to make millions of dollars; but without this honesty, you haven't lived. You won't live. People, there's nothing wrong with being honest with yourself. If you're a homosexual, then just say so! If you like to sing along to Avril Lavigne in the car, admit it! I have! It doesn't make one a "fag", it just shows that the person has a little more to give over others, that they are a little bit closer to being "honest." Many people can see this in others.
I've heard "everyone's equal" so often in my life. Hell, when I'm feeling inferior I try to believe the same thing over and over again. In reality, in honest to God reality, there is superiority present in people. It's not who gets the most girls, who's the most attractive, who has the most money; it's who's the realist person of them all. So many don't have open minds, won't ever consider doing anything out of their ordinary. Many are following the wrong paths. They don't feel pure inside. They aren't real.
The question is, are you real? And if you aren't, will you be? You can follow the path to honesty and be real; but without honesty, there isn't a true world.
Not in my eyes.
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| The fact of the matter... |
[20 Jan 2007|12:08am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
] |
I feel like there's so much inside of me that no one ever sees. I try my hardest sometimes to let it out, but all I get is "huh?" and some blow-off response. I don't think it's my fault that I may have silly dreams or ideas, but to me they don't seem silly. They seem real and passionate. I can't tell her that all I want to do is sit and hold her and make sure everything's okay because she'll think I'm just being weird. Any compliments I try and give her will just gather a response that implies she believes none of it. How am I supposed to show her how I feel when she doesn't respond to any single thing I've tried? Finally, I've gotten to a place in the relationship where it doesn't seem desperate or creepy or anything of the sort, and I'm stuck wondering if I can even say "I love you" anymore. At this point in my life she's everything, and not in that lame "I want to get into your pants" sort of meaning. It's been said that behind every strong and pure man there's a woman, and I agree completely. I can be an alive individual but I can't be completely... complete. It hurts me to feel that I have to be so young to experience this because it's not about sex, it's not about status or position, it's about wanting, trying, to start a life, and in the future a family. I'm so young and I know that, but it doesn't stop me from feeling that my place in this world is not to go fight a war, or run a country, or start a business... but to live, love, and pursue my own sort of happiness.
No one ever knows when it's there turn to leave this world, and I don't want to watch time pass by as meaningless games are played and the right words are never to be said. I treasure every second of life that I live, believe it or not. I care about so much and it hurts me to see my father yell at me because I don't clean the stupid house, to see my mother seemingly lose her mind trying to control her hopeless situation, friends frantically searching for a way to grasp onto meaningless ideals and lifestyles. I'm down to a select few that can really help me and talk to me, and none of those people are perfect at doing so. I can think of one young man that I can connect with the most, but he's so far away, I can't really do anything about it but talk to him and pray that everything will be alright.
I've lost countless friends to drugs. I've lost most of what I could of ever considered my family to, well, drugs, and one of the lamest fights I've ever had to witness. My whole childhood, I grew up trying to envision an adulthood that was rid of childish fights, selfish goals, and helpless futures. I see now, with every adult I've had the pleasure of knowing well, that it doesn't stop. All most adults are are children in a bigger body. They have life experience and know when to withhold certain things and can speak and have a conversation better, but inside they are still full of emotion, pain, and deceit. My mother won't ever see this in herself. I am ashamed of myself right now, for I have the same stupid thing she does - I can "never be wrong." I may have some leeway because I'm only 18, but that's no excuse. I don't want to be childish. I don't want to be stubborn. I want to help and heal. I want to create the world around me that I and everyone in it deserves. If this means throwing away my family and friends and even my girlfriend, I'd have to do it. Happiness is something that continuously gets lost in this world nowadays, and I refuse to succumb to such disgusting world actions and views. I won't be a martyr... but I'll be a leader.
It's for a cause I believe in all too strongly.
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| It's Monday! |
[15 Jan 2007|10:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
School begins again tomorrow, woo hoo? It's not exactly the most exciting event to come my way in the last month, but I'm sure it'll bring new friends and new drama to my relatively drama-free world. Thankfully, that's not assured; I'm hoping for just some simple school and then a nice twenty minute drive home every Tuesday and Thursday. Things are a lot different then the last few entries; it's more or less back to normal. Minimal friends, maximum contact with girlfriend, and looking for a job. This time, however, I have to get a job, unlike last time when it was just preferred. Stupid responsibilities and gas and food and dates and the like. It'll be fine, I just pray all the time that it'll work out better this time... it's worth it.
I can't ever predict the way my life will turn out. I can't predict what I'll do in the future, who I'll wrong, how I'll be hurt. I really hope I don't hurt anyone on purpose, and the path that I've set out on will follow through to completion.
...it has to.
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| August 19th |
[19 Aug 2006|08:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
So here we are, at the start of another school year. A year ago, I was probably sitting with Paul and Haley, doing drugs and just not caring about life at all. Nowadays, I'm sitting here, listening to music on my laptop during a brown-out and wondering about what the next few weeks will bring me. There's many variables - what will come out of my "friend girl", if the concert is even going to work out, how work itself will be... and of course, school. New people, more friends, and the chance that everything is going to change once more.
I'm not against change, and it's not that I've been without it in the past, but it would be awfully nice if things could bring a little bit of stability. Cody left for Chicago today, meaning I won't see him until December, and probably won't even talk to him for a month or so. As much as we teased and made fun of him, he became a good friend, and it's sad to see him go. So as of now, I have Garrett and Reece to hang out with regularly. It's great, but it's a far cry from the friends I used to have. I don't think it'll ever be the same between Haley or I again, as we've only hung out twice in the last five months. It will be interesting to see how this Caiti thing will work out. I guess at the very least I have a "good friend", right? I just doubt I could handle that. Being at her house the other day was a lot of fun... and as we are supposed to do something this weekend, it almost seems like it's going back to normal, sans any of the physical things. I have no idea where it could turn.
I find most of my time being spent eating, sleeping, and going online anymore. School and work will be a fun change from that... for a while. I suppose this is another of the "calm before the storm" sort of thing that was happening a year ago, except this time the storm ought to be good.
Hey, this time I don't have nearly as much to lose... so there's nowhere to go but up.
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